My greatest wish is to have medication that works well all of the time. Again, I'm bi-polar, have been my entire life. Undiagnosed until after my 3rd and final son, I've been HMO'd from one psychologist to another depending on which hmo we can afford every year. There were plenty of meds that they were wanting to try me on, but when they tried one, they'd basically turn me loose and tell me to call them if I needed anything.

BIG PROBLEM.....When a chemically imbalanced person has a problem, that said person normally retreats, withdraws and doesn't want to talk to anyone. Your only hope in this condition is that you have a friend or family member who loves you enough and has thick enough skin, to haul your depressed butt into the doctors office, where he/she will stay until you detail your emotions to the person doing the history....in case something is missed.

Failing that......Grim, gray, cold rainy days don't help, unless you have a ton of great reading to do. Or animals to hunker down with. That's the beauty of my pugs.....No matter how awful I am, they jump up on my bed bouncing all the way till I make them their Mommies special breakfast. Today the recipe was:

2 boneless skinless chicken breast
2 cups chopped Lamb/Rice/Rosemary Dog Log (it's dog food in form or sausage)
2 big Tablespoons of garlic (antibiotic, good anti-inflammatory)
1 big Tablespoon of rosemary (helps with gas)

Toss it in a skittle and let is simmer a bit....I also add glucosamine since my puggies are getting older.

They think I'm the Queen of the World....
For Me Today
That's Just Fine

I don't have a whole lot of patience. I've had the flu since last wed., and resting is driving me nuts. Especially in my manic sober state. Really could use a bloody mary about now, but I won't, I have too many people depending on me to stay clean. What a bore.

I'm hoping that knitting helps. It always has in the past. It's almost as good as the meds. It seems to distract the frantic part of my brain long enough to do something creative. I think and focus better if I'm doing more than one thing at a time. I've always been a multi-tasker. I just have to remember, slow down when I talk to others and understand that they're not at the speed my freaked out brain is in this state.

Being bi-polar isn't always bad. It usually is a struggle, but just like with any disability, God somehow makes other senses compensate for the one with the disorder. Give me a book to read and a movie to watch and I can do both without losing any of the plot.

I think thats why the one job I've always been able to do (for over 20 years) is be an aerobics instructor. I have to show the step/move count it, change sides, and have two more moves to go on to at the same time.
If anyone has any non-alcoholic tonics for flu/chest/head congestion please let me know.

blog on\
xena

Ok, so I listened to all of the news programming this morning. I'm thinking that the "patriot act" that is probably unconstitutional, but sometimes necessary isn't the tool we need it to be. Has any plot been uncovered by the taps? Have we captured any jihaddists from it? Do we know how the Islaamic terrorists are planning to get at us?

Personally I don't care if the government listens to my phone calls, since they would probably be bored out of their minds. But, since we are announcing that they are listening/watching, wouldn't a suspect take that into consideration.

We've been doing taps for years, from watching "commies", to listening to Al Capone. Has it ever been that effective?

Are we securing our shipping channels so that suspected terrorists can't have access to toxic chemicals, biologicals, or nuclear waste? Simple canisters of Chlorine and Ammonia could have catastrophic effects if released in a building. I work at a swimming pool with the largest distributor of chlorine in the area. There's no security. I haven't heard much about that. What about Iran, aren't they a bigger threat now that they probably only need a bit of "fizzle material" for their nuclear program?

Why are we spending our days worrying about the few Muslim families in the U.S. when we should be securing dangerous materials?

Ok....it's just a rant. Please Blog On

Reading the last post, I couldn't help but think how pathetic it looked. Hey, it is what it is. I'm a week clean and sober now, a bit more clear headed except for the fact that I have the flu.

Ironic that now that I have an excuse to be zoned out on cold and flu meds,or better yet a hot toddy, I don't want to be. It must be a kharma thing.

I must be going on an upswing. Phew! I like those the best. Problem is, on the up part of being bi-polar, I tend to think I'm invincible, the house is never clean enough, I can't work out long enough, the 8 classes a week I teach aerobics isn't enough, and there aren't enough hours in a day. But, I will say that I'm much more pleasant to be around.

Mood swings are normal, what makes mine symptomatic is that I can go from being suicidal, to being the best leader in the free world in a 24 hour coarse.

The trick is......to be able to wait long enough through the downs to get to the ups.....and not let the ups fool me into thinking, I'm a regular Joe. The meds help, especially when I'm not mixing them with alcohol.

I picked up enough books for the weekend, "The Next Attack" About what Al-Quaeda (sp?) will probably do next, "I am Charlotte Simmons" by Tom Wolfe, Oprah's new book, "Elie Wiesel" by Marion Wiesel, and "No god but God" The Origins, Evolution and Future of Islam, by Reza Aslan.

Take care, please recommend books to me on the comments, when I'm not knitting, and I'm sitting still, that means I'm reading.

Ciao
Xena Warrior Princess

Ok so I got the message. I haven't had a drink or so much as an aspirin for 3 days. (This will be my fourth) I didn't think I was as bad as I am. I thought the first day my headache wouldn't go away. I couldn't concentrate for any time on anything. I felt like bugs were biting me all over my body. My mind was broken up into little tiny pieces. Actually now that I think about it, last night was the first night I was able to read.

The bugs have gone away, but every time I feel bored, I think how nice it would be to be in oblivion right now, then I feel awful about even thinking that. Then I feel guilty about starting with the alcohol in the first place. Then I'm down.

So.....being bi-polar the down swings really suck so.....I've found a switch.....I've read War and Peace in two days....and I've started a book on foreign policy.

About being social.....I have a really schizoid relationship with others. I'm an aerobics instructor....I stand in front of 30 people a day in a bathing suit.....I'm not a great beauty.....but when it comes to socializing with anyone but my husband, I'm really not that interested.

I need God in my life. I don't know if it's going to be in the religion that I grew up in. That in itself is really scary to me. I'm a third generation Mormon, straight from pioneer stock. They gave up everything they had to join this church, and it feels so empty to me.

Thank you all for your comments to me. I do need your help. Let me know if I can help any of you
Dana/aka Xena (xena is my pug's name and yes I'm a dog freak)